I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
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