Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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