go do what you do best...puke behind churches
time to smoke my breakfast
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
