I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Randomize
