I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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