I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
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