I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
