Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
