i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Randomize
