I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Everclear isn't food dammit
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
