mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
try to milk me bitch
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