I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
