youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
she doesn't hate you. She just thinks you need a personality adjustment, speech therapy and weight watchers.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
Just don't have "pin the tail on the straight edge" as a party game... Please and thanks...
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
