Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I'm pretty sure there's seven mailboxes in the bathtub...
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
