TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
