i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
50% drunk capacity currently
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Randomize
