and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
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