I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
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