i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Also, we found a geriatric Snoop Lion.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
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