she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
