I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
We were getting fries and you hopped the counter and yelled "WELCOME TO GOOD BURGER HOME OF THE GOOD BURGER" and threw up
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Dick very happy bro
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Randomize
