we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
Randomize
