Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
