I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Randomize
