Rock
Scissors
Fuck
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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