If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
you will always have a special place in my vag
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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