I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
