we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
