okay pat passed out under dana's car
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
