I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
His penis could choke an elephant. A baby elephant... But an elephant non the less.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
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