Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I was cracking open beer cans, throwing them off the roof, and yelling "FRAG OUT!"
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
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