Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
