so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
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