Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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