This show inspires me to have sex in space
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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