I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
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