Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I have aggressive nipples.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
