At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
she tied the funnel to the fucking ceiling...
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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