I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
he said that weed should be legal but that particular bong shouldn't be. i stared at a clock for an hour and a half after i ripped. so logically, i completely agree.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
Randomize
