He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Randomize
