I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
