if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
It's not called being bisexual its called making out with anyone that has a mouth
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
