she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
Randomize
