you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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