I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Randomize
