I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
