i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Randomize
