highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
Randomize
