dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
