yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
