Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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