I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
You know, I think I'm going to rock the shit out of this whole mid-twenties thing. Fuck babies and weddings -- I have vodka and young cock.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize
